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Pre-existing conditions

I haven't posted in a couple of weeks, because I've been ... low.   

Depression has so many ways of laying me low, and each one seems the worst while I'm in it.  This latest skirmish was tough.  The latest fight was against The Nothing.

If you're the right age, you'll remember the movie The Neverending Story.  The Nothing.  Slowly encroaching on imagination, happiness, joy, life...  a battle that included being stuck in quicksand, being left alone to face an immense enemy, with no weapons but the heart and mind.


That.

I've done almost nothing in the past few weeks, and if it weren't for my pre-existing loves of football, Game of Thrones, and cups of tea, I'm not sure I'd have made it out this quickly. 

Usually a 'pre-existing' condition is a bad thing.  Mine are the spars that remain when I'm running out of things to hold on to. 

  • Haven't been out of my room in days?  My team made it to the Champions League final 16, and to watch, I have to go to the communal area.  The Depression had me missing a first half, but I managed to drag myself out to watch the second.
  • Been looking at the ceiling with only a test signal happening in my brain?  Game of Thrones is finally back, and I made sure I got up to watch it, pretty sure once it began I'd start to care (took about 15mins).
  • No real food left in the cupboards?  Drinking tea means when I run out of milk, I HAVE to go out, so grocery shopping happens.

I have friends that worry I don't interact with anyone.  Family that are concerned I'm not eating properly.  Strangers on the internet worry that I haven't posted.  I'm not able to place importance on these things, because they've become normal for my 'low' times.  I only feel concern when my pre-existing hand-holds on reality fail.  If I'd missed the football, I'd know I was in a truly bad place.  If I'd missed Game of Thrones, I'd know to call the crisis line.  If I start drinking black tea, I'd know to reach out.

My Doctor asked me what will I look forward to when GoT finishes.  It's a more serious question than many people will understand - because it requires engagement from the areas of my brain most vulnerable to The Nothing.  Imagination.  Curiosity.  Emotion.  While I can still touch and use those parts of my brain, even in a limited way, I'm still me.   

GoT will finish around the end of May, when the TV adaptation of Good Omens will start, but that will only be a single season.  There's only one season left of Supernatural.  The final in a book series will be released in September. Without an ability to take on new stories or characters, I'm worried if I'll be able to hook into something creative after that. 


Who knew being a geek could be a brain saving pre-condition?

Derri
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