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Hindsight.

A long time ago (not in a galaxy far far away), I started this blog.  I thought it would be a relatively short term project, because obviously I would get 'better' soon.  How wrong I was.  It's been more than two years since I started writing these posts, and very little has changed.


One change, is that now I know, and believe, I have people I can trust to keep me bolstered through the worst days - often when they don't realize they're doing it.  Another change, has been my definition of 'better'.  It used to mean - able to return to the life I lived.  Now, as that life recedes further into history, 'better' means remembering to include vegetables in meals.  It means getting a decent amount of real sleep.  It means trying to look after myself in a healthier way (I'm still not very good at this - but I'm improving slowly).



Another significant change is my outlook.  At the start, my journey looked like an attempt to become 'normal' again.  It's taken a long time, and now - it's accepting that 'this' is where I live, and learning how to deal with it.  Figuring out what my limits are.  Finding ways to stay engaged with people I care about, without a mental meltdown.  Looking for the small positives to pull me through bad days.  Trying to get through the cotton-wool days.

The most significant things haven't changed - I struggle.  I struggle to reach out on my worst days, I struggle to sleep, I struggle to feel 'real', I struggle to find meaning, and I struggle to feel that any of it is worth the effort.

So I lie to you.  All the time.  I'm not fine.  I'm not getting there.  I'm not OK. 


Every day is a new struggle.

Derri.
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Comments

  1. Nasher6 July 2019 at 14:27

    It is with friends like you who are honest with themselves and are truly seeking to be happy, that I find the strength to battle my own demons. Your struggle is important and so are you.

    ReplyDelete

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