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Paying attention

I haven't posted for a while.  I had decided that as I had so few readers there was no real point.  A week or so ago, I was reminded that I don't write these for you - I write them for me.  Having to assess how I'm feeling, on a regular basis, helps me maintain awareness of what my brain is doing.


 In the last month, I've been really busy.  WOO - YAY ME!  I traveled to visit one of my oldest (have had longest, not the most elderly) friends, I've taken in a new heart-person, I had cuddles with a wonderfully dimpled baby, my family (direct and extended!) has added husbands, wives, fiances, and children, and I visited a bucket-list place.

I've been home for over a week now, and realizing how rubbish I am at holding myself accountable for my own health.

I'm trying to find ways to maintain the good days when they come.  I'm getting a bit better at it, and it's bloody hard.  I have to hold myself accountable when I can, and forgive myself when I can't.  I now have a whiteboard where I can keep track of my own self care.  It includes; showered, brushed teeth, ate vegetables, went outside, spoke to another person - IN PERSON, took meds, and others. 


The hardest part is not feeling terrible for all the things I couldn't tick off on any given day.  I'm thinking a 'star chart' type thing might be better, with a reward-y thing when I achieve stuff.

I'm tired.  I'm completely ok with the fact I haven't spoken to anyone in several days - I'm out of 'talking to people' juice.  I know this, because I've deliberately avoided talking to someone working in the unit right next to mine - and I  enjoy conversations with them. 

Like a leaky airbed mattress, I can only hold myself up for so long.  All my oomph has leaked away, and I'm empty and flat.  I don't have a built in pump.  I don't even have a manual foot pump.  I have to blow the bastard thing up myself, and today this week I've run out of puff.

Derri.
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