One of the most frustrating things about Depression is the speed I lose the ground I worked so hard to gain.
My self-care board was gaining traction last week, to the point that I managed to tick off everything once. The very next day I was struck down - STRUCK DOWN I say - by a migraine that left me completely unable to function.
Now, several days later, I feel like I lost all the progress I worked so hard to gain. Looking after myself takes so much sodding effort and the migraine wiped me out. Which leaves me back at the beginning, trying to tick off at least one thing. Logic tells me this is just a brief blip of inaction, and it ultimately means nothing, but knowing something, and believing it to be true - are different things.
One of the things on my list is talking to another person in person. Today, I got caught up in a random conversation with a neighbour, and felt horrible for wishing he would hurry up and leave. I didn't want company. He was doing nothing more than introducing himself, a politeness I would normally appreciate, and I wished I had the rudeness to simply turn away. I hate that the Depression has done that to me. The positive is that I did talk to him, stayed friendly, and managed not to run away - so I can, with a clear conscious, put a tick on the board.
Having a conversation despite wanting to escape is hard. After that short interaction, I genuinely needed a nap. Forcing my brain to do something the Depression doesn't want me to, is brutal. I like talking to people. Having to make myself, having it feel like a chore, dreading the contact - is dreadful, and so bloody unfair.
Depression takes so much from me. Today I'm reminded of how fundamental some of them are. Integral pieces of myself just out of reach, abilities I rely on becoming intermittent, and changing my outlook on the simplest of situations.
Trying not to put myself under additional pressure, while trying not to lose more of myself, while trying to forgive myself, while trying to challenge myself, while trying to maintain progress, while trying to establish normal patterns, while being realistic in my expectations, while trying to improve...
I'm so tired.
Derri.
My self-care board was gaining traction last week, to the point that I managed to tick off everything once. The very next day I was struck down - STRUCK DOWN I say - by a migraine that left me completely unable to function.
Now, several days later, I feel like I lost all the progress I worked so hard to gain. Looking after myself takes so much sodding effort and the migraine wiped me out. Which leaves me back at the beginning, trying to tick off at least one thing. Logic tells me this is just a brief blip of inaction, and it ultimately means nothing, but knowing something, and believing it to be true - are different things.
One of the things on my list is talking to another person in person. Today, I got caught up in a random conversation with a neighbour, and felt horrible for wishing he would hurry up and leave. I didn't want company. He was doing nothing more than introducing himself, a politeness I would normally appreciate, and I wished I had the rudeness to simply turn away. I hate that the Depression has done that to me. The positive is that I did talk to him, stayed friendly, and managed not to run away - so I can, with a clear conscious, put a tick on the board.
Having a conversation despite wanting to escape is hard. After that short interaction, I genuinely needed a nap. Forcing my brain to do something the Depression doesn't want me to, is brutal. I like talking to people. Having to make myself, having it feel like a chore, dreading the contact - is dreadful, and so bloody unfair.
Depression takes so much from me. Today I'm reminded of how fundamental some of them are. Integral pieces of myself just out of reach, abilities I rely on becoming intermittent, and changing my outlook on the simplest of situations.
Trying not to put myself under additional pressure, while trying not to lose more of myself, while trying to forgive myself, while trying to challenge myself, while trying to maintain progress, while trying to establish normal patterns, while being realistic in my expectations, while trying to improve...
I'm so tired.
Derri.
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