Skip to main content

Rebirth

I know, I know, I haven't been regularly posting... I'll try and do better.

I spent a week hanging out with a seven year old.  I spent the next week recovering - seriously, it's a lot of energy.  And yesterday, yesterday I discovered the elder of my estranged children has come out as transgender. 


The news itself wasn't a shock at all.  The child I knew, was never going to grow up and be a bog-standard cis-gendered adult.  My reaction to the news itself was delight, happiness, pride, and hope.

How I got the news - well, that's different.  A screenshot from a public facebook post (I am blocked) in my messages. 

I was devastated.  Once again, I wasn't there for the birth of this person.  From the irrational guilt of being under general anesthetic for the birth of a child I couldn't carry to term, to the added loss of not even knowing another rebirth was underway - I've missed crucial moments. 

I can't offer her my support.  I can't show her my pride.  I can't fight beside her for recognition.  All I can do is throw these things into the matrix and hope that one day she knows I have her back.


I wonder how my son is coping with the change to his family dynamic.  How he's been dealing with the coming out of his sister.  I want to stand beside him and share the pride.

I don't know what they've faced, what's been happening, or what is yet to come for them.  I'm not part of it, and it's a weight that gets heavier every day. 

Yesterday I cried all the tears there are.  Happiness, loneliness, joy, heartache, hurt, betrayal, loss, grief, pride... you name the emotion, I had it.  I cried so hard my face hurt.  Today my face feels like I've been in a brawl, but I'm doing ok. 

It just adds to the emptiness I fight everyday.

I'm fucking exhausted.  Proud.  But exhausted.


Derri.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Better is relative.

"How are you feeling?" I feel better than the day I woke up in hospital.  Some days, that's all the 'better' I feel I've achieved.  Other days I can achieve more than that; I talk to people, laugh with them, even enjoy myself; before collapsing back to bed, my energy level back at zero. 'Are you feeling better?'  Well, yes, but better for me is not wanting to kill myself today.  I still have a lot of 'better' to go before I feel secure in my own stability. I understand that the people who care for me, are simply asking me (very importantly!) how I'm doing.  I understand that they don't have a timetable for me to meet.  I understand that my response is supposed to be honest, and without 'spin'.  This is roughly what goes through my head: If I tell them 'I feel bad today' will they think they could have done something different? it's not their fault I can't function today.  I can't say that.  If I tell them ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Iggle-aggle-oddle-adle-ay

Toddler Talk.  The noises junior humans make as they create language pathways in the brain.  This week, I dipped into my meagre energy savings, and visited people I adore, that I'm proud of, and I'm lucky enough to somehow be family to, despite being related to none of them.  It's been a while since I've been around a toddler - I've got other family and friends with younglings; but toddlers are their own class of people. Small humans are as diverse and fascinating as any other group of people.  Yet they're harder to get to know.  A small person's vocabulary is still being filled with words, and a conversation is an exercise in patience.  Truly junior humans, are even harder, as their words are barely that.  With all of them, the trick seems to be giving them a gap long enough to figure out what they want to say.  Even the wee-est seems to understand that I don't   understand, and will try to find a different path of expression. Ma...
Post a Comment
Read more

Rollicking Rossini

One of the things I've spoken to my counselor about; is what I DO with my days.  It's not a lot.  It's struggling to get out of bed.  It's finding the motivation to eat something that has some nutritional value.  Time spent trying to find focus to achieve something, anything.  Chapters of books, instead of whole ones.  Small puzzles instead of massive ones.  Amassing enough oomph to go and buy milk.   And lately?  While listening to classical music. Music is profound.  There's a reason you don't play dirges at weddings, the William Tell Overture at funerals, or waltzes at the gym.  Music is an emotional shortcut (this is why movies have soundtracks after all), it signals the appropriate mood for the moment.  Toddlers are the best examples of how music can hot-wire your brain.  Ever seen one stop in the middle of a room when a lively song is heard, and boogie on down?  I've discovered over the last few m...
Post a Comment
Read more