What it takes

I'm going to branch out a bit today, and talk instead about how being Depressed makes getting the qualified help I need really hard.

At the moment (well, always, but right now it's worse than usual), getting to and from appointments takes up a tremendous amount of energy.

I currently have three providers. My usual GP and two psychologists - as I transition from the amazing woman I was referred to after discovery of an undiagnosed stroke, to long-term support aimed at helping me work with the PTSD.

Both psychologists have offices near train stations, which is wonderful, because I live just around a corner from one too. Trouble is, trains aren't free. So I have to budget for train travel additional to what I already allow to get to the supermarket, and it can only come from my food budget. 

My doctor is only a couple of kilometers away, not too much more than a mile, and there's no direct public transport between me and them, so I walk it, adding about half an hour each way. Then, the train station next to one of the psychologists is closed for reconstruction for several years, and I have to catch a bus instead, from a stop I don't live right next to. I have to allow extra time to catch a far less reliable bus, making an eight or nine minute trip as long as half an hour each way, and each visit, either to my doctor, or either psychologist (with the emotional and potentially distressing discussions) is incredibly tiring. So, I need to factor in the accompanying exhaustion. That exhaustion can take days to work through, because it comes on top of whatever the Depression deals me on any given day.

All three provide a service I desperately need, to keep my mental health at a level that allows me to at least partially function normally, and to cope with the worst of my Depression and the suicidal ideation that comes with it. All three know that my Depression most usually presents as not caring for myself properly, so all regularly remind me to eat properly, and to try and maintain a healthy sleep schedule.

The catch-22 of it all is that 1) my food budget is already limited, and the cost of travelling to appointments means I usually have to swap to a cheaper, less healthy, option for the basics. It's full grain bread swapped out for cheap white, or healthy(ish) snack bars for cheaper sweet ones. My already rubbish diet gets worse (it's a work in progress - I'm trying). And 2) extended travelling time, emotional tiredness - and as we go into winter, rubbish weather while walking - leading to essential naps, further upsetting  any kind of sleep routine I'm trying to achieve.

Big picture - making an appointment is not as easy as sending off an email, or going online and clicking a few boxes. I have to be mentally able to consider travelling time and transport schedules, to work out how much money I have on my travel card and think/remember where else I need to get to before I can top it up again, hope that on the day of an appointment, my Depression isn't hitting so hard I can't do it, and do ALL of this, knowing it will mean rubbish(er) food, and screw up my sleeping regardless.

I have an appointment on Tuesday. It's the easiest site to get to thankfully, but I'm dreading it anyway because it will be a difficult one. We've reached a point where the psychologist needs to know more about the events in my history that caused the PTSD. Thinking about it is already impacting my sleep, and I have no doubt the next week will be BRUTALLY HARD, revisiting those times is guaranteed to kick my Depression into full gear, and yet I know I have to go and talk about it anyway, because I hate living like this, and the only way I can improve things for myself, is to do the goddamn work.

This shit is hard.

Derri