Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

Unless you live under a rock in the middle of nowhere, you'll know the football world cup is happening at the moment.  How much you care of course, will vary. I'm a big football fan.  Or at least; I used to be.  My Depression has stolen enjoyment from most areas of my life.  So when the tournament started just after my birthday, I decided to go through the motions, and hope it kindled something. I knew I've felt excitement, joy, despair, hope, anticipation, and well, happiness when I've watched this level of the game before.  I figured if I put myself in a head-space to let the emotion happen, something will spark, and it has.  I'm not bouncing around the place, yahoo-ing over goals, or wailing at missed chances; but I am finding some enjoyment.  I'm looking forward to the next round of games, and I'm pleased to see so many players shining. I'm caring about stuff.  Who will win?  I don't know.  Will it be exciting?  Probabl...

Once upon a time, I read a story.  This isn't unusual, I read lots of stories.  In this story in particular, a mentor told the central character 'not to measure his wheat against another man's bushel' (always use the grain merchant's standard).  The message was that, what one man thinks is right and fair isn't always what IS right and fair, nor is it the same as what YOU think is right and fair. Every individual on the planet has a different idea about what is polite (always a good idea to check travel tips for this), what is acceptable, and where that tolerance ends.  Most of these behaviours have become cultural norms.  It's bad manners to chew with your mouth open, and it's polite to thank someone who held the door for you.  Fairly standard societal lubrication.  Manners. I bring this up because I constantly feel like I'm being unconscionably rude to my family and friends while I hide in my room all the time.  I'm measuring myself aga...

I've had lots of ideas. Mainly I thought about how gloomy my posts have been, and considered writing a light-hearted blog; because I know people worry about me.  But I realized that that's the opposite of what this is for.  This is my forum to be honest, my time to NOT find a positive angle, to NOT point out the silver lining; which is what I try and do when I talk to people in real-life.  I'm down enough without dragging everyone else down with me. I could write about the difference between the being wrapped in cotton wool days, and the sandpaper days.  I could try and explain the sense of weight that keeps me down.  I thought about describing how I sometimes feel as though I'm trapped in warm sticky tar.  I could try and put into words the feeling that I'm an emotional black hole, designed to suck in, then destroy, everything happy. I'm going to go back to basics instead.  I'm struggling with the difference between not wanting to die (my ...

One of the most common indications of depression is feeling unable to 'hold a charge'.  That there simply isn't enough energy to do anything.  This is a significant problem for me.  It doesn't seem to matter how much or how little sleep I get, I run out of 'oomph' incredibly quickly. I can't help but compare what I used to be able to do in a day, with what I can achieve now.  The comparison isn't helpful, because it feeds the Depression with ammunition about how useless I am now.  Whatever  used  to give me my 'get up and go', has 'got up and gone'; and I'm having to ensure I have enough energy for even basic hygiene, which has never been something I had to think of as a task before. Fuel efficiency:  a form of thermal  efficiency , meaning the ratio from effort to result of a process that converts chemical potential energy contained in a carrier ( fuel ) into kinetic energy or work. This lack of fuel efficiency is what kee...

In the last week, I found a way to mute the voice of Depression in my head.  Hooray!  It doesn't make the Depression go away, and it doesn't give my battery/fuel any extra life, but it has given me some pleasant evenings. Coloring in.  I can see why it's being touted as an exercise in mindfulness.  I am so completely focused on what I'm doing, I'm not telling myself I'm a waste of space.  I'm so caught up in which shade of red to use next, I don't hear the Depression telling me I'm just wasting time before dying.  It's very calming.  AND.  I have something lovely to look at when I'm done.  I'm even considering buying some cheap frames and displaying some.  Look, I did a thing (dragon eggs from Game of Thrones).  It's pretty. Coloring is low energy - even lower than reading; which is my other go-to when I'm out of oomph and sleeping isn't on the cards.  There's no mental interaction.  I don't have to consider plo...

Mother's Day.  I'ts a trigger for me.  I didn't write about it last week, because the pain was indescribable.  I've had a psychologist and a doctors appointment since then, which is always cathartic, and helps me to frame my thoughts clearly. My Depression isn't because my children want nothing to do with me.  The Depression was here long before they were even born.  The Depression did  flavour their entire lives, and I'm coming to understand that the Depression is likely the reason my relationships with them were never formed fully.  None of which soothes the pain of a childless Mother's Day.  I fully comprehend the pain of Mothers who lost their angel babies, Mothers whose children were lost as toddlers and Mothers who have lost their grown up children.  There isn't a pain like being around when your babies aren't. I empathize with Mothers who mourn their children.  I'm also, in a weird way, envious of them.  Mothers w...

Last week was exhausting.  My sister broke her leg.  Until she's able to get about freely, I'm on the school-run.   I can do this  I tell myself.   It's a short distance, go, collect/drop off, and return home.   If only it were that simple.  Even a short distance with the Youngster contains, on average, seventeen hundred questions.  A simple conversation requires not just listening, but  engaging  in order to ensure I understand what they're trying to explain.  Then there are the mood swings (these are not exclusive to pre-menstrual women).  Cheerful Youngster will want to sing, and be sung with; cheerful Youngster will want to run, and show me things.  Cheerful Youngster will generate so much energy I wish I could bottle it.  Grumpy Youngster will throw a tantrum, requiring patience.  Grumpy Youngster will be rude, requiring appropriate response.  Grumpy Youngster will be unknowingly hurtful, requ...