Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

One of the things I've spoken to my counselor about; is what I DO with my days.  It's not a lot.  It's struggling to get out of bed.  It's finding the motivation to eat something that has some nutritional value.  Time spent trying to find focus to achieve something, anything.  Chapters of books, instead of whole ones.  Small puzzles instead of massive ones.  Amassing enough oomph to go and buy milk.   And lately?  While listening to classical music. Music is profound.  There's a reason you don't play dirges at weddings, the William Tell Overture at funerals, or waltzes at the gym.  Music is an emotional shortcut (this is why movies have soundtracks after all), it signals the appropriate mood for the moment.  Toddlers are the best examples of how music can hot-wire your brain.  Ever seen one stop in the middle of a room when a lively song is heard, and boogie on down?  I've discovered over the last few m...

This week I had a new round of funding come through for counseling, and was able to get another professional viewpoint on what my brain is doing. Counseling is an odd thing.  I rarely come out 'knowing' something new, yet every time I leave, it's with new insight and understanding. This week, we discussed my inability to take in new things.  For the last several years, I haven't been able to concentrate on anything I'm not already familiar with.  I struggle to do more than skim the surface on anything that needs to establish new neural pathways.  This is one of the 'classic' signs of Depression.  Which has left me with an entertainment world full of 're-runs'. This isn't a new thing for me.  Looking back, I frequently would get to points where I struggled with new things, and my bookshelves showed the proof of my retreat, between the shiny new spines and creamy new pages of exciting new authors, there were the cracked spines proving innumerab...

One of the things I've learned in the last few years is that I take up space in other people's hearts.  On my particularly bad days, I have to remind myself that other people CHOSE to give me space there, and that they don't want me to vanish.  Fun Fact: Taking up space is all I do.  I'm an extra in other people's lives.  Most people are a lead character in the show of their lives, for some it's a drama, others a veritable sit-com, some are massive ensemble casts, and others are more intimate affairs, but most people have significant roles to play; they're integral to the show of their lives, and most people find satisfaction in it.  I'm a bit player nowadays.  I show up in other people's shows.  I'm the slightly dotty aunt, the tired sister, the online chat at 3am, the lady on the train, the woman in the waiting room, and sometimes I get to be the haven't-seen-you-in-ages old friend.  Lately I've been struggling to even be an extra...

Toddler Talk.  The noises junior humans make as they create language pathways in the brain.  This week, I dipped into my meagre energy savings, and visited people I adore, that I'm proud of, and I'm lucky enough to somehow be family to, despite being related to none of them.  It's been a while since I've been around a toddler - I've got other family and friends with younglings; but toddlers are their own class of people. Small humans are as diverse and fascinating as any other group of people.  Yet they're harder to get to know.  A small person's vocabulary is still being filled with words, and a conversation is an exercise in patience.  Truly junior humans, are even harder, as their words are barely that.  With all of them, the trick seems to be giving them a gap long enough to figure out what they want to say.  Even the wee-est seems to understand that I don't   understand, and will try to find a different path of expression. Ma...

It's a standard question.  The answer, for everyone, is vague - for me there's a mental checklist going on; do you really want to know?  Are you being polite?  Is 'what I've been up to' appropriate for you to know?  Is 'what I've been up to' any of your business?  Will my answer seem pathetic?  The follow up to answers of 'not much', 'the usual', or even 'what did you hear?' defines what the person asking is really doing.  Are they checking up on a rumour?  'well, I heard ...', are they just asking to be polite? 'me either/too', are they looking to tell you what THEY've  been up to?  This is very common.  Or is it a simple conversational gambit, hoping to find a commonality to talk about? Or.  Are they trying to determine my mental health?  Is someone showing me they care?  It's hard for me to answer this question honestly.  Because a factual response of 'nothing', highlights that I still ha...

Christmas.  With Depression.  It can be done, it's just not easy. I've survived a few Christmases now, and it's been brutal every year.  On one hand, because it's a known time for triggers, and all the support services are bolstered, it's easier to survive.  On the other, well, it's Christmas - and every single trigger you can imagine, is out in force. Engaging in reality at Christmas is like being stuck out in a hail storm.  There's no escape.  Getting randomly struck by missiles that vary from a slight sting, to pulverizing.  There's no predicting the hail.  No way of knowing if I'll get through it relatively unscathed, or punishingly bruised and bleeding.  Turn on the radio, and I might get a song designed to make me think about starving children in Africa - it feeds the Depression with the knowledge that the world is full of suffering and there's nothing I can do about it, and my existence or lack of it is irrelevant to the problem;...

The last day of 2018*. For most people the turning of a new year is something that spurs decision making, a time to dust off old goals, to break out the exercise equipment, to make promises, and generally look forward to a better year ahead. This year, I'm looking back on what feels like a stagnant year, a year of achieving nothing - But.  Today I'm realizing I've come a long way this year.  I'm not fixed, I don't know that I ever will be, I AM however, 'better'.  Better is a relative term.  I'm better than I was a year ago.  Which means, that every day I have somehow built myself a more stable foundation.  In the way of incremental change, I didn't notice.  Until now, when I look back, and see that 365 days of teeny gains, have brought me a few steps forward.  My 2019 goal, is to not have a goal.  Instead, like this year, I'm going to focus on hanging on.  I just have to keep going.  I'm learning not to beat myself up whe...