Exploring Mt. Everest in slippers.

I'm going to branch out a bit today, and talk instead about how being Depressed makes  getting the qualified help I need really hard. At the moment (well, always, but right now it's worse than usual), getting to and from appointments takes up a tremendous amount of energy. I currently have three providers. My usual GP and two psychologists - as I transition from the amazing woman I was referred to after discovery of an undiagnosed stroke, to long-term support aimed at helping me work with the PTSD. Both psychologists have offices near train stations, which is wonderful, because I live just around a corner from one too. Trouble is, trains aren't free. So I have to budget for train travel additional to what I already allow to get to the supermarket, and it can only come from my food budget.  My doctor is only a couple of kilometers away, not too much more than a mile, and there's no direct public transport between me and them, so I walk it, adding about half an hour each...

When times are really tough, and I'm having a *'tar day', just getting out of bed is an achievement. More frequent, are the 'low' days. These are days when I can tick a task or two off the to-do list. It could be a single 'big' thing, like changing the sheets (tough in a tiny mezzanine space), or a couple of smaller things, such as taking a shower, or doing the dishes. *'tar day' = the sensation of being stuck in invisible tar, making movement incredibly difficult and tiring. Every so often I'll have a day where I've booked something important and no matter the level of 'tar' or how low the low, I'll do my damnedest to get there. Rarely are the days so bad I have to re-schedule, but it's always a re- schedule, never a cancellation - and what is this important  thing you ask? It's doing something GOOD . It's going to the closest NZ Blood site, and donating plasma. I don't know how other countries do it, but here, th...

It's been over a year, and there's been a lot of changes, yet, nothing much has changed. What hasn't changed: I still live alone, in a teeny unit. I still haven't had contact with my children. I'm still not working.  I'm still struggling to eat healthily, and I still feel like I'm treading water. What has changed: I have a regular counselor. I've discovered that I had an undiagnosed stroke sometime between 17 and 12 years ago, leaving enough dead brain tissue to be picked up in a CT scan. I'm re-learning how to be a better friend, and I have a more specific mental health diagnosis. The most impactful thing has been the knowledge of a stroke, and the resultant psychological consultations. This has led to PTSD being recognized as the umbrella under which my Depression and OCD have thrived, and changes to my medication as a result.   Regular counseling, from the same psychologist, is much better than getting a short 3 or 4 session burst from a different...

I know, I know, I haven't been regularly posting... I'll try and do better. I spent a week hanging out with a seven year old.  I spent the next week recovering - seriously, it's a lot of energy.  And yesterday, yesterday I discovered the elder of my estranged children has come out as transgender.  The news itself wasn't a shock at all.  The child I knew, was never going to grow up and be a bog-standard cis-gendered adult.  My reaction to the news itself was delight, happiness, pride, and hope. How I got the news - well, that's different.  A screenshot from a public facebook post (I am blocked) in my messages.  I was devastated.  Once again, I wasn't there for the birth of this person.  From the irrational guilt of being under general anesthetic for the birth of a child I couldn't carry to term, to the added loss of not even knowing another rebirth was underway - I've missed crucial moments.  I can't offer her my support.  I can...

Sorry, this is a series of thoughts on a subject than coherent writing. Today I drank the water.  I ate the fruit.  I did the sleeping.  I had the vegetables.  I ticked the self-care boxes (not all of them, only most).  There are fewer gaps on the board than when I began.  Yay me. Is it making me feel better?  No.  Is it supposed to?  I don't know.  Does it hurt?  No.  Should I do it?  Yes.  It's hard work. The list is giving a weird kind of structure to my days, which I think is a good thing.  While I'm not feeling any different, I am sleeping much better, which I can only hope, will lead to an improvement in outlook.  I'm trying see it as a simple tool to aid my progress.  It feels like a huge 'so what?' though.  So I'll be a healthier Depressed person?  um yay?  I don't find myself important enough to feel that this effort is worth it.  I don't care if I'm healthy.  I d...

One of the most frustrating things about Depression is the speed I lose the ground I worked so hard to gain. My self-care board was gaining traction last week, to the point that I managed to tick off everything once.  The very next day I was struck down - STRUCK DOWN I say - by a migraine that left me completely unable to function. Now, several days later, I feel like I lost all the progress I worked so hard to gain.  Looking after myself takes so much sodding effort and the migraine wiped me out.  Which leaves me back at the beginning, trying to tick off at least one thing.  Logic tells me this is just a brief blip of inaction, and it ultimately means nothing, but knowing something, and believing it to be true - are different things. One of the things on my list is talking to another person in person .  Today, I got caught up in a random conversation with a neighbour, and felt horrible for wishing he would hurry up and leave.  I didn't want com...

I haven't posted for a while.  I had decided that as I had so few readers there was no real point.  A week or so ago, I was reminded that I don't write these for you - I write them for me.  Having to assess how I'm feeling, on a regular basis, helps me maintain awareness of what my brain is doing.  In the last month, I've been really busy.  WOO - YAY ME!  I traveled to visit one of my oldest (have had longest, not the most elderly) friends, I've taken in a new heart-person, I had cuddles with a wonderfully dimpled baby, my family (direct and extended!) has added husbands, wives, fiances, and children, and I visited a bucket-list place. I've been home for over a week now, and realizing how rubbish I am at holding myself accountable for my own health. I'm trying to find ways to maintain the good days when they come.  I'm getting a bit better at it, and it's bloody hard.  I have to hold myself accountable when I can, and forgive myself when I...